Goodbye to You
by snoozin81
Summary: OneShot. His blue eyes shift into your brown ones for a split second, just the way they always do. I tell myself it’s my imagination or my guilty conscience as I close my eyes and picture your face. Then his hands slide down to my hips and he pulls me cl


**_Of all the things I've believed in  
I just want to get it over with  
Tears form behind my eyes  
But I do not cry  
Counting the days that pass me by _**

I close the door behind me. Leaning back against it, letting out the breath I'd been holding since Jay had pulled up in front of the apartment building. You were gone. The words still didn't feel quite right. It still felt like any second you'd be walking in the door, wrapping your arms around my waist, and whispering I love you in my ear. I look around at the familiar mess littering the living room, our living room. But it wasn't, not anymore.

I take a deep breath, fighting off the onset of tears. I wasn't going to cry. Not now, not like this. I make my way to the back of the apartment and pull out the old boxes from when I moved in. There was no use waiting around for you to change your mind. You were gone and even if you did decide to come back it wouldn't be the same. I retreat back to the bedroom and set up the boxes as I busy myself packing your things up. The way I see it is that the less of your things I'm forced to live with, the less the pain is going to hurt. I know its crazy but it's the only thing keeping me from reverting back into old habits.

**_I've been searching deep down in my soul  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old  
It feels like I'm starting all over again   
The last three years were just pretend  
And I said..._**

I lightly drum an unknown beat against the open math book in front of me. Mr. Armstrong starts sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown after about the first five minutes of class. I stare across the room at your best friend who looks about as bored as I feel. Honestly, I never understood why the two of you were friends. He's a jerk or at least I thought he was. Turns out, I was wrong. Like I've been wrong about a lot of things. Like I was wrong about you, about me, about us. Lying in bed at night in our… I mean my empty apartment gives me lots of time to think. People expect me to be sad, to be falling apart but I'm not. I've come to terms with the fact that you had to stay, that you needed to be there. I've come to terms with the fact that your heart was never really mine to begin with.

"El, are you okay?" They ask. I smile and nod but they don't believe me. They don't seem to understand that I'm not hurting the way they think I am. That the reason for my withdrawing has very little to do with me missing you and more to do with me being confused as to why I don't. Soul searching I guess they call it. Who would have guessed it would lead me to the one person I never though I'd have anything in common with?

The bell rings, pulling me out of my thoughts as the students around me rush to gather their things and head out of the room. I slowly close the math book and start to stand up. He's there wrapping his arms around me, pressing his rough lips against mine. This is my fresh beginning so why am I still thinking of you?

**_I still get lost in your eyes  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you  
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
To a place where I am blinded by the light  
But it's not right _**

His blue eyes shift into your brown ones for a split second, just the way they always do. I tell myself it's my imagination or my guilty conscience as I close my eyes and picture your face. Then his hands slide down to my hips and he pulls me closer, and it's his face again, his hands, his lips, it's his heat that's warming me up from the outside in.

"But it's not right." I hear you say. "He's my best friend. He's got a girlfriend."

But you're not here. You don't know that him and Alex finally called it quits after weeks of arguing and fighting about the paint and feathers prank. You don't realize that to be a best friend you have to actually be around or at least call once in a while. You're not around to know that his kiss, his touch feels more right than anything. You're not around for me to explain that the only thing wrong about the situation is the fact that when I'm with him it feels like your not completely gone.

**_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_**

So, it's Jay and me now. My apartment is once again an "our" apartment. When he got expelled his grandparents kicked him out and it just made sense for him to move in with me. I thought about going home, back to living with my mom but I just couldn't do it. Even without the presence of alcohol, I could still smell it. Memory has a funny way of making you see, feel, hear, and smell things even after their gone. Kind of like the way I could still smell your scent despite the fact that all of your belongings had been replaced with Jay's things. Kind of the way I could still hear your laugh on the nights that Jay worked late and I'd be at home all alone.

The memories have died down now. Instead of sweat and motor oil I've got the smell of Dot burgers and zest soap. The laughter I hear when Jay's working late isn't yours, it's my own as I remember something funny that he said that day. Sure there are still days that I think of you, days where I miss you, but I'm happy or at least as happy as I'm going to get.

**_And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine  
I want you  
But I'm not giving in this time._**

I was content in my new life, despite a few bumps along the way. Content with being in love with Jay. And then there you were, out of nowhere interrupting our break time conversation.

"You're back?" I asked, shock clearly registering in my voice and on my face.

"Cameron, buddy, pull up a chair." Jay offered, clearly not catching on to my not-so-subtle kick under the table.

A million feelings started rushing back, causing my head to ache and my mouth to go dry. My eyes shifted from Jay to you, and back again. Who knew you could love two people so much and yet so differently?

And then once again it was just you and I. Jay had disappeared back behind the counter to ring up a customer. An awkward silence had fallen between us, as we looked each other in the eye.

"So you and Jay?" You ask, a hint of disappointment crossing your face.

I look over at Jay, a small smile spreading across my lips as I nod. Sometimes I still couldn't believe it myself. I'd spent so much time hating him, so much time trying to ignore his presence in our life that it seemed slightly funny that he'd been the only one who understood how I felt after you left.

**_Goodbye to you   
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_**

The one thing that I tried to hold on to...

"Ellie." you say, drawing my attention away from Jay. "I came back for you."

We both know it's not true. We both know why you really came back. Just as I think it, the bell above the door jingles and in walks the blonde who's always had you wrapped around her finger. She walks towards us. The two of you embrace as you exchange pleasantries. 

"Why don't you take my seat?" I offer Emma as I stand up.

You give me a funny look and I return it with a smile before heading to the counter. I give Jay a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving The Dot and heading home.

**_And when the stars fall  
I will lie awake  
You're my shooting star._**

I lie awake that night, curled up next to Jay. His breathing is even and has been for hours, the rise and fall of his chest rocking me as I glance out the window and up at the sky. They say some of our worst times end up leading us to the best days of our lives. I'm inclined to agree. Your leaving gave me everything I needed to find the real thing. His heart doesn't belong to another. It actually belongs to me. I close my eyes as his arm tightens around me. I say a silent thank you as I drift off to sleep. It was you that led me to him.


End file.
